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HIGH GEAR

MAY 1970

POPE

ADMITS

HE'S GAY

In a secret interview with RADICAL GAY reporters, the Pope disclosed that he is, in fact, gay! He cited "fear of losing his job" as the reason for his recent denials and added, "I felt guilty about it."

Asked whether there was any truth to the assertion that past popes castrated youths to provide feminine voices for the papal choir, the Pontiff replied, "Nonsense! It was all lip-synck."

His Holiness described his personal sexual predilection as "voyeurism," explaining, "That's why I'm called "The Holy See." With this our reporters queried, "Do you usually have sex with other prelates?" The Church Head answered, "Generally not. When I get laid, I customarily get laid with my flock, hence the term "laymen."

SHRINK FINDS CAUSE

In an exclusive report, the renowned Dr. Horst Fiever disclosed today that he has discovered homosexuality to be hereditary. His conclusion is that "therefore all homosexuals have virgin births except lesbians who are brought to earth by Valkyries."

GAY RADICAL NEWS vol. 1 & only

WORDS COME OUT

as:

At a press conference yesterday, four words announced that they had had it with the closet and were coming out openly. The words: "alligator," "allegation," "gaze" and "gape" asked to be recognized henceforth "alligaytor," "allegaytion," "gayze" and "gaype." At one point, "alligator" announced, "allegation" and I have been lovers for some time. We're discovering that we have a lot in common as, I'm sure, "gaze" and "gape" have." "Gaze" added, "When we see good-

looking guys on the street, we stare, and I really mean "stare." It's about time people realized we're gay words and proud of it."

When asked to comment on the words' decision to flaunt their homosexuality, a spokesperson for Merriam Webster said, "These words are plainly abnormal and clearly in need of urgent help." "Allegation," responding to Webster's statement, retorted, "Are you kidding? With a first name like "Merriam" that man has to be a closet!"

JUDGE

EXPLAINS

Justice Potter Plant explained his recent anti-gay decision as necessary because of late "many people were becoming suspicious of us and our office. We are the only public servants who go to work in full length black evening gowns and until recently powdered wigs."

Gay Leaders here remarked, "me thinks he doth protest too much."

PERK

FOUND GAY RADICAL

CLEVELAND Yesterday evening shortly after 11:30 p.m., Cleveland police officers arrested a man in Edgewater Park and charged him with loitering and vagrancy. The man turned out to be none other than Ralph Perk! The mayor was identified by his wife who telephoned to police earlier to report that she had just noticed that her husband hadn't come home for the past three and a half months.

Asked why he was found sitting in his car in his undershorts, Perk explained, "My trousers were wrinkled from wearing them all week and I felt it below the dignity of my office to appear in public with wrinkled trousers."

HELLOWEASEL HINTS

Do you look on jealously as other queens parade in expensive chiffon gowns which you could never afford? YOU can sew a beautiful chiffon masterpiece from common bathroom tissue! Yes, by merely pleating and sewing reams of bathroom tissue together, you can create striking imitation chiffon. As you know, bathroom is available in colorful conservative pastels or dramatic patterns which faithfully reflect those of its genuine twin.

You will discover that your bathroom tissue gown has many advantages over the real thing. How many times have you sat on the pot in a bar only to notice that there was no more paper on the spindle, or that the only roll was a soggy mess floating in the bowl with cigarette butts? With your new apparel you will be able to solve this frequent problem, simply by shortening your skirt. Enter the crapper in an evening gown and emerge in a tutu. Tres chic!

WANTED

The FBI today added local gay activist Jaques Augh to its "ten most wanted" list. The Bureau characterized Augh in this

manner:

Augh was born and raised in the Midwest which, as we know, has always been a hotbed of homosexuals ("for purple mountains' majesties across the FRUITED plain.")

He can be identified by colored markings left on his buttocks by cheap-flowerprinted underwear. Augh is conspiring to fill Lake Erie with flavored lubricating jelly to prepare for the landing of U.S. Marines on Mentor Beach this summer.

He is also currently plotting with radical Japanese gays to miniturize the United States submarine fleet for use as nuclear-powered vibrators.

(FBI artist's likeness of fugitive Jaques Augh)